Point to It

I passed a guy on the street, who I know yesterday. He either didn’t recognize me, or didn’t see me. He was with his six year old son and they were holding hands. I was about to say hello until I heard him say, ‘Your mother and I are going to work it out.’

Maybe it was just that they were going to work out…what they were having for dinner. But it seemed like it was more than that. My heart sank. I walked away quickly and he never knew I was there. That’s not a moment for anyone to intrude upon.

Leaving the father’s emotions aside, I can’t imagine that feeling for that little kid. What he’s going through. All the questions. All the blame he probably puts on himself. All the sadness.

And divorce is relatively mild as compared to what can happen to children in their lives.

I get emails through Urban Samurai all the time. People with much more difficult upbringings than mine. People with troublesome things that happened in their childhood. Real things. Heartache stuff, that some of us are fortunate enough to only see on the news.

I am privileged that you share with me these private, personal events usually only reserved for therapists, or priests, or serious significant others who need to be able to understand your sometimes out-of-whack behavior.

I am always here to listen. And that seems to mean something to a lot of you. And I read everything you guys write. Everything. I really am here, listening. Commiserating.

I wish I had more answers for you. I don’t. My response is always to push people towards therapists, fearing that I could give the wrong advice. And make things worse.

I do have something to add, that I have been thinking about for a bit now. I’m not sure this isn’t going to make anyone feel that much better, but it’s something I think you should know.

And that is…I wasn’t abused. I wasn’t left on a doorstep. I didn’t have a loved one die at a young age. Or have some other huge tragedy happen to me, to define my life in that way. And I’m still really screwed up…anyway. All by myself.

And I’m searching for answers to why I feel the way I do, a lot of the time. Answers to why I act the way I do, a lot of the time. I feel like a freak, a lot of the time.

I walk into a therapist’s office and say I feel terrible. And then can’t put a finger on the reason why. They make me dive into my childhood and go through all these memories. And the few answers they do offer seem like bullshit. And I think it is bullshit.

So, if you went through some huge event in your childhood, and you’re feeling this same way…you are not as different, you are not as alone, you are not as much of a freak as you might think. There are so many of us that feel a similar pain in a similar way.

And I know this is no consolation, but at least with some incredibly sad or  catastrophic event in your life, you have something to point to as to why you feel that way. Why you act that way. You have something concrete to work on. Something that has a history. And has volumes written about with clear methods on how to treat it. Real methods that are proven to provide real help.

Know that you are not alone. Know that you’re not that much of a freak. Or at least not any more of a freak than a lot of other people. And go get that help you need.