My head knows what is best for me. But my natural impulses push me in the opposite direction. Often enough…I give in. And the life I want fades away in the distance.
It shouldn’t be natural to want to do things that you know will harm you. Things that you know, will do you no good.
And that gets coupled with the inevitable guilt that follows those decisions. And with my full understanding, my complete self-awareness of both my actions and what is good for me, the heavy layer of guilt I feel after I make those bad decisions, really compounds the problem.
The very person I am, makes me go against what I absolutely know is right for me. And then I punish myself for it. I beat myself up like I’m in Fight Club.
This is why life is challenging for me. This is my struggle.
And the irony of it all…
This is me doing this. Me, the same guy who posts these incredible quotes from truly incredible and inspiring people, every day. The guy who gets up on his high horse and writes things to you about greatness. About motivation. About the real meaning of life’s events. And I’m over here making these decisions and non-decisions that won’t allow me to get where I want to go. It sickens me.
How can I be telling you anything about your life when I can’t figure out mine? I don’t know. Maybe my journey, this journey that I have made public to you, will help you achieve what you want to achieve. Maybe it will help you avoid what I can’t seem to avoid. I guess that is my hope.
Sometimes I wonder why I was made like this. Why can’t I just be the person I want to be?
But yet here I am…without that answer…still preaching to you…still doing these same things.
So I slip. Down this slope. I fall completely off the Path. And then eventually, I pick myself up. And get back on it. That has been the cycle that has been my life ever since I began taking responsibility, both credit and fault, for my own actions. I’ve repeated this cycle since I was enlightened to the Way.
Well, I’ve slipped again. It doesn’t feel great.
And I’m tired right now. Tired of having to continually remind myself to stay on the Path. Tired of having to remind myself to do the right things. Tired of having to go against every instinct I have to avoid bad decisions. And I’m tired of picking myself up.
It sucks down here though. And I don’t want to stay, wallowing in this misery. Sitting with this guilt. I’m not going to stay down. I can’t stay down here. Not even for another day. Tired or not, I’m going to get up again.
I’m starting to realize, maybe I haven’t been falling off the Path and getting back on it. Maybe this is just my Path. I’m starting to believe that this constant falling down and getting back up is the actual route I have to take, in order to get to where I want to go.
Maybe the Path smooths out in the distance. Maybe it’s all sunny days and smiles. Maybe there are guard rails to stop me from ever falling off again. I hope so. But I don’t know. All I can see now is this dark, dank basement that I’m in. And all I know is that I don’t want to be here anymore.
I’m climbing back up. Who is with me?