What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I’m someone I don’t want around?
I’m falling again. I’m falling again. I’m falling.
HARRY STYLES
So, I’m back. In more ways than one.
I’m back in a painfully familiar place.
I would say I’m lost, but while true, that’s not strong enough or exactly accurate. I’m in a complete spiral inside my mind. I’m stuck on this loop. And these same thoughts keep playing over and over and over. This entirely different world is spinning in here. Different from what’s going on out there with the rest of you. And I can’t seem to get out of my head to be with you all.
I hate what I’m experiencing in here. It makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. But there is seemingly no escape.
I fell again. Like off a cliff. I grasped for a ledge. Grasping for lies. And self-deception. Anything to keep me up top. Until I finally relented to this reality. And now I’m in a free-fall Glancing down in mid air to see down to the eternity of the abyss into which I’m headed. It feels weirdly like I’m both already at the bottom and that I’ll never truly reach one. And I’ll just keep falling.
It’s been a while since I have been here. So long, that I never expected to feel like this again. I got lulled into thinking I’ve moved on from all of this. Like I graduated from a toxic high school. And I left those feelings behind like old toxic ‘friends’ to never look back. Because I can choose that.
But that’s not how this works. Not for me at least.
I am back here with very few answers and a lot more questions. What is triggering this? Are there common threads to what got me here before and now? Where is that spark that I just had? Why did that just suddenly go out? By what am I now being driven? Or by who? And why this change? More importantly why can’t I recover like I’ve been able to do these last few years? And why are these feelings here again, truly? I have so many reasons why not to be like this, and so few to feel like this. So just…why am I back here? And how do I get out?
These are questions only I can answer. No one else could possibly.
I tried talking to a shrink a few days ago and couldn’t get there. I cut the appointment short. Maybe I don’t want to feel better. Maybe I don’t feel like I deserve it. Maybe not yet. Maybe I like feeling like this.
Those thoughts make me sick. I don’t know if I believe any of them. I’m hopeful they aren’t true. I just don’t know. So little is certain in my head.
And it’s not like I’m weak. Definitely not anymore. Fuck this feeling. I’m not staying like this.
So I’m back. Feeling like shit. But also back on the Path. And I’m back with you all. So I’m back home. Maybe where I belong.
Maybe I had to feel like this to bring me back here. So I can be whole again. It’s a more optimistic view that gives me comfort. So I’ll hold onto that, at least for a little while.
I am happy to be writing again. I’ve gotten the question dm’d to me a few times recently, ‘Why do you do this?’ This postt is a great example of the only 2 reasons that matter. The first is for any one of you with which this resonates. I am able to capture what my mind goes through and my feelings in words. And that resonates with some. If you’re going through something similar you need to know that you are not alone. Not here. If you are feeling like this, I’m sorry. I hate it down here. And I’m sure you do too. I’m hopeful we can come up together. And if this post or my writing even makes 1 person feel just a little better, it’s worth it for me to expose my mind. And the host of flaws that I have.
If you are feeling like this, I strongly encourage you to reach out to others. A friend. A loved one. A therapist. Anyone. You can reach out to me. I will have no answers for you. But I will be here. Feeling similar feelings.
The second reason is for me. It truly helps me release when I put my feelings into words. And I feel better just having written. Thank you for reading. Thank you for still being here. I wish I wasn’t gone for so long. I am definitely back though. And look forward to connecting with you all.
Note: For those who know me personally. I don’t mean to freak you out with this post. This isn’t not the face I put out to anyone. Which I realize is what keeps me feeling alone and isolated. But it’s what I need right now. I’m ok. I was lucky enough to spend a few days with one of the few people on this earth who can calm my mind. And she does so with such ease. Making me feel normal and OK. Its incredible. And I feel a lot better already.
For someone who prided himself on strength from Musashi’s Way of Walking Alone, I have come to realize my need for amazing people around me. And I have so many. Thank you.