The Eve of Change


I am close.

My life is about to change…again.

A lot. Again.

When an event is so big. It’s not just one change. Not really.

This is my whole world. Shifting.

I’ve known this change was coming. For a while now. Still it feels. Like in the blink of an eye. It is right upon me.

For the last few months. This whole thing paralyzed me. It froze my mind. I hadn’t been able to think straight. Or see straight. Maybe you have noticed. I can barely post quotes to this Facebook page. Let alone write with any consistency on this blog. I have thought this through with such intensity, that I can’t talk about it without being paragraphs and chapters deeper into the discussion than anyone else could possibly be.

I’ve been through big change before. But this is different.

This isn’t a departure for unknown waters. I’m not leaping off a cliff into a dark abyss of which I know nothing.

This change is a return. A return home. Both literally and figuratively.

At it’s center. This is a change in my career. I’m going back into business for myself. And with the vision I have for this business. This is big enough on it’s own.

But it’s coupled with a physical move. Back home as literally. A place similar to where I was raised. A place where people walk my same speed. And talk my same speed. And think similarly.

At least in some ways.

When I left to come down here a few years ago. It was a complete culture shift for me. Everything was so different here. So foreign here. The people. My job. My surroundings. Way different than any place I had ever been in my life.

I was an outsider in every sense of the word.

It should have been scary.

But I just barreled forward. Charging headlong towards it, like a samurai is trained to do in battle. Like I have been training my mind to do since I found The Way.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t always great. It was oftentimes lonely. Especially at first. But somewhere along the way. It all started to work.

For almost all of the last 4 years. Though I’ve been away. Through that fearlessness, I built a home here. I built this home…away. Complete with a place to live. This incredible place to work. And the one ingredient that makes any home a home. Filled with people I love.

So I am currently home, but away from home. Soon, I will be moving home. But moving away from home.

Verbalizing that. Makes the difficulty of this transition easy for me to see.

But why the paralysis? Why this pause? If I can adapt well to change by barreling forward. Why is there any hesitation at all going into something I know?

Maybe this is simply because I am going off on my own in the business world. A return to being an entrepreneur. Not my first time. I know all that this entails. I know all the risks. I know the stomach that it takes. And the endless mindshare. I know that this will be all-encompassing.

Maybe it’s because I am different now. I am different again. Personally.

It’s like I have Train’s Drops of Jupiter in my ear. And this world. And all the people and places and things that I remember. Even the ones that stayed the same. They are now very different. At least, they will look very different to me.

There are no returns in life. There is no going back. Not now. Not ever.

Everything moves forward. Always.

And this place. This place to which I am coming back. And the people too. Will all be different too.

So this change. It’s a lot of unknowns to which I am familiar.

This is what stopped my mind. That is what isn’t allowing it to process. It’s this fear of the unknown knowns.

I have a date though. It’s set. And it’s coming faster than I can wrap my head around.

There is so much good that will come from this change. From this return home. That is not lost on me. So many reasons to come back. And my focus wants to stay there. But yet it still pains me to leave. To leave home.

So this change is both looming and glowing. Like a dark cloud. And like a bright sun. Wrapped together all in one.

Like yin and yang.

My eyes are open. I’m staring at it. I’ve been staring at this change. For a while now. Maybe they’re too wide open. I need to treat this just like it is. The great unknown.

I need to close my eyes again. And charge into this. Just like I did four years ago.

I just physically did that. I just shut my eyes. And started breathing.

Steadying myself. Finally. Readying myself. Finally.

I open my eyes.

I know I will kill this. Finally. In every way.

Morning will be here soon.